Living in Polarities

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I am living a wonderful, dream-like life. I live in New Zealand, I go on adventures every week- just today I was surfing in a place called Riverton, southern NZ, when a couple of wild dolphins swam right up to us. This was after a weekend of sunset gazing from the glorious deck of our rented bach (that’s NZ speak for beach house- see below), kayaking the beautiful bays, collecting rare and stunning shells from the beach, and watching a 73-year-old local lady do body shots off a bride-to-be on her hen party in the local bar. In regular circumstances, my emotional and mental capacities would be soaring with soul-fulfilment.

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But these are not regular circumstances.

I lost my great-grandmother last week. You may remember her from this post I wrote about her. Little did I know the significance that post would have now- just two months later. Losing a loved one when you are on the literal opposite side of the world, for me, has been one of the most challenging hurdles of my life. And I’m still stumbling.

One minute I will be marvelling at the changing landscape out of the car window, the next I’ll be hit with the realisation I’ll never hear her voice again.

Then, I’ll be laughing at a friend’s joke whilst sipping on a cold cider on a sandy beach, to be quickly followed by holding back tears thinking about the last time she insisting on keeping me fed and watered at her house.

In an instant I’ll go from happily day-dreaming about my future travel plans, to feeling devastated I won’t be there at her funeral.

Come night time, I’ll marvel at the starry sky- milky way included, only to breakdown a second later knowing she’s up there and not down here.

It’s exhausting.

How can I be so happy, yet so sad? So content, yet so aware of the gaping hole her presence left in my world now that’s she’s gone? An absence I haven’t even begun to experience in it’s full potential devastation. I’ve just skimmed the edges. And it hurts like hell.

I have no words of wisdom to share today. Only a suggestion you tell your loved ones you love them unreservedly and often. Don’t hold back. They could be gone in a blink of an eye.

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2 thoughts on “Living in Polarities

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