As much as I have previously claimed to be a razor-tongued, ice cold protector of my own self (i.e. my heart, my emotions, my ego) … my track record goes against me.
I am a damned consistent forgiver.
I bravado around like I have a limit to the ‘offences’ the people in my life can commit against me. And then as soon as this limit is reached, without a second thought, I cut them out entirely and never want anything to do with them ever again… but that’s really not the truth.
There’s not been a single instance that I can think of that I have severed all ties with somebody forever and ever. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been angry in the past and taken the space I needed at the time (be that an hour or a week) but I just can’t hold on to anger for so long that it makes me forget the good qualities of the person or people that drew me to them in the first place.
You’ve probably been faced with hypothetical questions before, or perhaps you have (unfortunately) experienced them first hand… for example ‘Would you forgive your partner if they cheated on you?’ or ‘Would you stay friends with someone who stole from you?’ etc.
The identity I have fought hard to construct and maintain all of my life of a girl who won’t ever take that type of shit, would absolutely answer ‘No way’ and ‘Hell no’ to those types of questions.
In reality though, if I’m being honest with myself, I am 90% sure I would forgive these types of things.
Does this make me a doormat?
I don’t know.
This has weighed on me recently. Mostly because life is no longer black and white for me and every situation is so much more ‘grey’ than I could ever have anticipated while I was busy constructing this bad-ass, tough girl identity I’ve slowly started letting go of during adulthood.
Maybe, if you’re like me, we are mugs… and people will take advantage of that for the rest of our lives.
…the world might just need a few more of us to balance it all out.